Sunday, April 4, 2010

Telling Time at the Gay Bars

This one probably only applies to Friday. Saturday can be crazed, and Sunday is difficult to analyze. Plus it's Sunday, for chrissakes. I'll try to figure it out later.
Monday through Thursday has a definite rhythm ... just too boring to outline here. And a little more difficult to comprehend.

4:00 PM or earlier - Look around .. it'll be the retirees and the students and maybe a couple of real estate agents.
5:00 PM - Happy hour crowd, the bar is going to be really loud at this point.
6:00 PM - The somber crowd is rolling in, those married to work and sleeping with their crackberries. A slight lull may have set in at this point.
7:00 PM - The drink are kicking in for the Happy Hour crowd. Lots of loud overwrought laughter.
8:00 PM - The bar may have thinned a bit by now. The smarter ones have gone across the street for a bite to eat. Those less smart have started ordering shots with their buds.
9:00 PM - Probably the deadest hour. Nobody wants to be seen hitting the bar at this time. Nobody is going to see you enter the bar for that "Some Enchanted Evening" moment.
10:00 PM - This is the hour for most of your regular Joe's on a Friday night. For all you guys looking to marry a plumber, this is your hour to work it.
11:00 PM - The queens are arriving now. You can probably tell by the toxic mix of cologne. Good luck breathing for the next two hours.
12:00 AM - This is the hour that it will take you to walk the full circle around the bar... you may get in two laps.
1:00 AM - Bar thinning. The realistic ones who haven't scored are cutting their losses and heading to have breakfast.
2:00 AM - Getting bare. Those with desperation and without faith are still lurking around but are being asked to leave. Those with desperation and with faith are moving to the after-hours club.
3:00 AM- We're at the after-hours club now. Enjoy your bottled water and try to avoid those homos who are chemically enhanced. Packed with men, literally body-to-body. Can be fun. Can be exasperating. That may depend on whether you are there for yourself or have been convinced to come along by a friend for assistance in his pursuit.
4:00 AM - Getting bare here as well. Those with desperation and without faith are still lurking around, but are now being told to leave. Those with desperation and with faith are moving to other venues.


  1. Amazing! Very very similar to the college straight dive bar that I hold near and dear to my heart... except our after hours club WAS the gay bar. *sigh* I miss Thursdays in Akron.

  2. One of my good friends grew up in Talmadge, just outside of Akron ... he loved partying in the bars of northeast Ohio.